Part of the requirements for ordination in the Diocese of Pennsylvania is that I take part in an intense summer program called Clinical Pastoral Education. For me, CPE as it is more commonly called was a ten week intensive program working as a chaplain in a hospital. My typical work day was from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. The day began with morning report. At morning report, the on-call chaplain discussed what happened overnight and which patients if any needed to have follow up done. This was a time when everything from trauma's to codes to deaths were discussed. It was both light hearted and serious at the same time. Immediately following report, a short devotion was given. Following devotion, I was in "class" until noon. I parenthesize class because it was not lecture but rather experiential learning. Part of time as spent in Intentional Personal Reflection (IPR) or as we called it caring and sharing, some time was spent in bible study, some time doing Verbatim's and other time thinking about what I taught myself this week. The purpose of the time was always to examine my own life and how I both respond and react to situations that arise during patient interactions. For instance why did I say ____ to that patient or why did you not ask the patient ______. In the end, it was a time that allowed me to examine my pre-conceived notions, thoughts and actions and how I need to be cognizant of them as I continue my priestly career. For me, it was a very difficult thing to examine but after it is all said and done, I am a much better person for it. I have been awakened to things that I did unconsciously and feelings that I forgot I had.
After the class time was over, I then spent the next four hours working on two different floors of the hospital making patient visits. It was the policy of the hospital that every patient received a chaplain visit within five days of admission. With 68 rooms on two floors, that was a very difficult policy to adhere to. Yet it was during those visits, that I learned how to live out my baptismal covenant better than ever before. As I walked into a patients room, I was always amazed at how each patient taught me something about life. During those visits, I was honored and blessed to spend time with patients in their best and worst moments. As I walked into a room, sometimes I was the angel of death, (why is a chaplain visiting me? Am I dying? Did the doctors not tell me something?) to the Christ Bearer. I never knew what to expect. What I did learn was that Christ is present in every situation and that even in the worst of times, Christ is willing and able to help.
After patient visits were completed, I went back to the work room for afternoon report, where once again, we each passed on to the on-call chaplain the patients that we felt needed to be followed up on overnight as well as patients we felt might not make it through the night. It was a more somber tone as we bid the on-call chaplain a good night and all prayed for the well-being of our colleague.
On some nights, 11 in total, I was the on-call chaplain. When on-call, I was the only chaplain in the hospital and had to report to all urgent pastoral needs. I carried a pager and always dreaded the pager going off. You never knew what to expect but always had to be ready for the worst case scenario. It was during the on-calls that I faced some of my most challenging cases. After all, part of my job was to meet every trauma that arrived and notify family that their loved one had arrived. I will never forget making my first phone call. My voice was shaking, I was nervous and unsure of what exactly to say. Yet I was able to make the call and broke the news to the family who arrived a short time later. When families arrived, the chaplain is also the person that meets them in the emergency room and talks to them first. It was during those times that I was really the angel of death. Why else would a chaplain be in the ER? Luckily, I never had to meet the family of a dead patient in the ER. One of the other responsibilities of the on-call chaplain is being the go-between between the medical staff and the family. I also learned more about medical procedures and conditions than I ever thought I wanted to know. Who knew that I would learn how to read the MRI of a broken neck or a punctured lung? Always valuable learnings for a priest, right?
But unfortunately on-calls also included being with families as their loved one died. I will never forget waiting with a family at my first death nor will I ever forget being with a family as they "pulled the plug" on a loved one. All these things were tough to be present with, but in the back of my head, I always have the faith that the dead are going to a mansion with many rooms, where there is no pain and suffering. All the deaths I was present for were sacred times, filled with great sadness and pain, but I tried to bring families comfort and solace in knowing their loved one was no longer in pain or discomfort. I will never forget the time a man, about my age, looked at me and said, "you must be numb to this, after seeing death so often?" The only response I could give him was that death is always numbing, and yes I don't have the same feelings of sadness because it is not my loved one that is dying in that room.
Over this summer I saw death come in many shapes and sizes, from the very young to the very old and all ages in between. I sat and listened to people as they reviewed their lives and spoke of the happiness they had, but also I listened to people as they tried to bargain with death since they were not ready to die. What I learned about death this summer is that it is inevitable. We are all going to die and that each day we get one step closer to that day. Death does not discriminate based upon age, race, color or anything else. It merely arrives whether we are ready or not.
The memories and learnings of this summer will always be present with me and for that I thank everyone that allowed me to walk with them on their journey. It was a privilege to be a perfect stranger and be allowed into their lives sharing their deepest darkest secrets and fears with me. It is something I never will forget and something that has changed the person I am.
Thank you
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| My CPE classmates |
