I will never forget the
date. It was July 16, I was an eighteen
year old boy setting out on what I thought would be the adventure of a
lifetime! My suitcases were already
checked and I was standing in the departures area of JFK airport in New York waiting
for my plane to take me to South Africa.
I still remember the excitement as the plane took off and I watched out
the window and said goodbye to the land I loved. But along with the excitement was the
doubt. I had said goodbye to my friends
and family. I was leaving the life I
knew, a life of comfort, of cultural understanding and of a language I
understood, behind. I was 24 hours away
from living in a new country with new people and a new way of life. I was excited, thinking about what adventures
would await me in sub-Saharan Africa.
Unfortunately, that
excitement did not last for long. I
arrived in Johannesburg airport but my suitcases decided they didn’t want the same
experience. They had never left New
York. Within moments, my excitement of
arriving in South Africa was dashed by my fear of what do I do now? I began to question whether I had made the
right decision. Was I stranded in a
foreign land with nothing? Was I really
ready for an adventure by myself? Had I
just been overly confident in my abilities to overcome adversity?
I can only imagine that David
has similar feelings as he wrote this morning’s Psalm. The Psalm begins with David acknowledging that
he has nothing to fear because he is confident of the Lord’s protection in this
life. His biggest wish is to live in the house of the Lord forever, and see the
loveliness of the Lord in the next life as well. David knows that whatever comes his way the
Lord will care for him. Yet, he quickly
loses his confidence in the Lord. David
says, “Seek my face. Your face, Lord I do seek, Do not hide your face from
me. … Abandon me not, nor forsake
me.” David fears that the Lord has left
him for his enemies. David begins to
doubt whether the Lord is present in his life. He misses that presence and
questions where the Lord has gone.
David is not the only person
that doubts the presence of the Lord.
As we heard in today’s first
reading, Abram also doubts. Abram has
just returned home from rescuing his nephew Lot from the eastern kings. Abram and his “army” of three hundred
eighteen men had defeated many men and kings and could have taken much from the
men, yet he took nothing but the food and drink his men had eaten. He is victorious against his enemies but when
he arrives home he starts to doubt himself.
He questions whether he will ever have an heir. He is upset and feels that there is no hope.
God tells Abram that God will
be his protection and that Abram will have many descendants, in fact to many descendants
to count. Yet Abram questions this. In response, God takes Abram outside and asks
him to count the stars. Now I don’t know
about you, but if you have ever visited a location where there isn’t much
artificial light, the night sky is filled with stars. For any person to sit and count the starts
would be nearly impossible. But what
does Abram do? He listens to God and God
offers the first covenant between Abram and God.
Like David and Abram, how
often do we lose confidence in ourselves?
How often do we doubt our abilities? How often do we allow the stress
and anxiety of our everyday lives get in the way of our own abilities? Last week in her sermon, Kathleen spoke about
the vigil or gun violence held at Good Shepherd church. She said she knew it was what needed to be
done but that she asked herself what could she do about gun violence. I am sure that each of us has had moments in
our lives when we questioned whether we were good enough to handle the task set
before us. I know I have. Even one of the most famous women in recent Christian
history doubted herself. Mother Theresa
in a letter sent to her superiors questioned her faith and ability to complete
her work. She said:
I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to
answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone … Where is my Faith —
even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — My God
— how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter the
words & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untold
agony.
So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to
uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me —
When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness
that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I
am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness &
emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.
If Mother Theresa, the woman
who is known for doing so much good and caring for so many untouchable people
in India, can doubt her own abilities, why can’t we. Maybe we are not looking at the challenge of
caring for an entire caste of India, but we too have things in our life that
affect us. We have grief over the death
of loved ones, concern for sick family members; loss of jobs, stress over money,
grades in school, the list can go on and on.
I believe we all have issues that can create doubt in our lives. It is
in these times of doubt that we are called to be outside ourselves. What does, To be outside ourselves mean, you
might ask? Being outside ourselves, is a
challenge to look past our own feelings and concerns. It is a place to look beyond our own
comprehension or our own thinking. A
time to look for guidance from an outside source. It is quite possibly a time when our own
self-confidence is either shaken or gone.
It is a scary place to be.
Nothing looks like it will work out.
It is in times like these that we must have confidence in God’s
confidence of us. We were created in
God’s image. We are a self-reflection of
God. No matter what happens in our
lives, God has the confidence that all will work out for the best. God doesn’t promise that it will always be
easy. In fact, as we have seen in all of
this morning’s readings, it is not easy for any of the characters in the
lessons. The Pharisees offer support to
Jesus but he tells them no, he has a job to do.
Paul tells the Philippians that God will transform our humiliation into
glory. Living life isn’t easy, life has
never been promised to be easy. But we can take heart in knowing that at the
end of this period of the church year, we call Lent, we will celebrate the
Resurrection. It is the ultimate example
of God showing confidence in us. This is
the time for us to loose the doubt of our lives, to let go of any doubt in our
abilities and a time to allow God to show us the way to bring confidence back
into our lives.
I know I examine the
confidence or lack thereof in my own life a lot. Which brings me back to the story I opened
with. I had lost all confidence in
myself when I had no luggage in South Africa.
It was out of that experience that I learned I was capable to take care
of myself. I saw that I had the ability
to learn from my experiences and integrate those experiences into my
being. I became aware that I was not
alone in my trip but had the support of an entire community back home. After thirteen months away, I returned home,
no the boy who had left, but a man capable of overcoming any adversity I
faced. I had witnessed firsthand the
horrors of apartheid. I had seen how an
entire population of people, who based upon their skin color, could be treated
more like animals than like people. Looking
back now, 25 years later, I can see that it was a time when an entire group of
people where as the psalmist says were waiting for the lord. Being strong and letting their hearts take
courage. So I ask that each of us
reflect this week, in what ways are we allowing ourselves to be strong and wait
for the Lord.
